Emotional Support after a Miscarriage

Why am I so upset after my miscarriage?

Going through a miscarriage can be one of the most difficult things a woman can experience. Many many babies are lost very early on; clinicians often quote that one in four pregnancies ends in the first few weeks. But statistics do not make you feel better if your baby was very longed for. Right from your first positive test, or even before it, when you suspect you may have conceived, your future plans readjust and your mental focus is altered as to where you believe you are headed. Then the door is cruelly shut, often with no explanation or reason why, leaving you distraught, shocked and devastated. You are suddenly not going where you thought you were going. On top of that, you may have had days or even weeks of uncertainty coping with the stress of hospital appointments for scans which may have been inconclusive, or on and off bleeding leaving you literally on red alert every time you go to the toilet. On top of the emotional pain, you may be in physical pain, your hormones are plummeting, and you can’t talk to your friends because they didn’t know about this pregnancy yet (or even some of them are pregnant themselves, to throw yet another layer of complex distressing feelings into the mix).

Why did I have a miscarriage?

Many women seek answers and reasons, however unfortunately for the vast majority of miscarriages there is never a clear determinant. For whatever reason, you will never know, your baby just stopped developing. Even if you pass the pregnancy in hospital, NHS hospitals do not carry out any testing on embryos unless you have been diagnosed with recurrent miscarriage (ie three consecutive losses.)

How do I get over a miscarriage?

Some women swear by the “keeping busy” strategy and continue to work and operate their normal routine in order to distract themselves following a miscarriage. Other women need to stay at home for a while and come to terms with their thoughts; there is no right or wrong here. You may find you start to feel better but then take a step back when you are confronted with a sudden reminder of your loss, for example if a friend announces their pregnancy or you see a newborn in the supermarket. It can be especially difficult because early losses are not recognized by having any kind of funeral or a birth certificate. Sometimes it can help to do something physical to remember your baby, even if there is no official record of it, and not many people even knew about your pregnancy, if any. Many people do not tell their family or friends they are pregnant until their 12 week dating scan, which means that miscarriage sufferers can feel extremely alone if the only people who know about their loss is their clinician.

There is no timeline as to when you will feel better. Some women recover quickly both physically and mentally, and some women take much longer. There is no right answer or right way to move forward; every miscarriage is different and every woman is different. However, if you are feeling very low and struggling to cope with your loss it is important to seek help. There are a number of charitable organisations which offer advice and support for baby loss.

Where to get support after a miscarriage

The Miscarriage Association

The Miscarriage Association is a UK based national organization with a wealth of helpful information on its website. There are also a number of Miscarriage Association local groups offering face to face group support around the UK which meet regularly. The site also has extensive discussion forums and online groups; many women find these hugely helpful.

Tommy’s

Tommy’s is a UK national charity which funds pioneering scientific research projects and trials related to baby loss. Their website is full of useful information and help for those who have suffered both early miscarriages and also later losses and stillbirths. They also have a facebook support group.

Sands

Sands is another UK national charity working to support people affected by pregnancy loss and baby loss. They support research studies which seek to understand the causes of stillbirth and neonatal loss. Sands run a free telephone helpline and an online support chat services, and have a number of locally based support groups.

The Mariposa Trust

The Mariposa Trust is a UK charity set up by a couple who suffered a number of pregnancy losses. This organization offers support via its “Saying Goodbye” branch which leads remembrance services in cathedrals around the world to mark the loss of babies. They also provide support for those grieving for never having had children, and also offer a wide range of information and support for those at other stages of a baby loss journey, including for those considering new pregnancies after a loss, adoption and ivf.

Petals

Petals provides specialist counselling and support following a pregnancy loss. The charity was set up by a counsellor whose NHS job funding was cut despite providing a crucial service for bereaved parents. Counsellors at Petals are experts in helping people with baby loss. The majority of women are referred to Petals via a healthcare professional, however they do occasionally accept self referrals.

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust provides support and educational resources, and also supports research projects. In addition to extensive information about different types of ectopic pregnancies, treatments and advice, their website also hosts discussion forums to help you feel less on your own and offers online support and a telephone helpline.

Samaritans

Samaritans are an amazing UK helpline and one of the only organisations where you can find support on the end of the phone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to be suicidal to call Samaritans – it doesn’t matter what your problem is, they will talk through your feelings with you and make sure you are not alone with your thoughts. They also offer support via email, and many branches offer a drop in face to face emotional support service, and an instant messaging service.

Around the UK there are a number of other locally based charities which offer counselling or run support groups. If you are struggling to cope with a miscarriage, please remember that you are not on your own; there is help available. There is no one route to recovery but it is important to seek support from those around you. Your GP can also offer advice and if appropriate may refer you to NHS funded support or counselling.